The happenings of today--the knockdown, roll in the mud, dirty fighting b*ll$h*t of politics in school made me reminisce. Sabotage. That's what I saw today...
I once thought my best friend and I were going to save the world. We had it planned.
But we've grown apart--and continue to.
It makes me sad. I miss her. But how can I blame her. She's progressing. She's moving on with her life. She has a degree. She has/had a real job. She's married. She has a kid that I fear will be the closest I ever get to one of my own.
Me... I'm still in "college", and graduation can't be seen at the end of the tunnel yet. I'm still avoiding "big boy jobs". I'm still quite single.
I still am holding on to the belief that I can change the world--rather than growing up and accepting that it can't be done. And just living according to rules that society makes.
But I tire of doing it alone.
I used to think I was scared of commitment... and I have just realized I'm not. I'm scared I'll fall in love with someone who will make me grow up and give up on my greatest hopes. I *do* want a family. I want kids of my own way more than I think is normal for a guy my age. But I refuse to be involved with someone that will make me give up on my dreams. I want-- I need-- someone that will help me to make even more fantastic ones, rather than shooting them down.
I thought my sister was going to forever be my fantastical dream partner... but it seems our dream team is broken. And I can't blame her. She has almost everything I want. I miss her. I miss my best friend.
I'm starting to think I'll never meet anyone to take her place. In fact-- I've stopped expecting to. And it breaks my heart. I sometimes seriously doubt I'll ever meet someone that will work to make the impossible dream a reality with me.
I refuse to grow up and allow the world to dictate how I must act. I just fear I may sell out and grow up. But I pray I'll never have to give up on my greatest dreams... but I need a partner/ sidekick. No matter how much I try, I'm not Superman. No matter how much I want to be...
